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Aug 22, 2011

A Personal Revelation

So, I have come to a revelation about myself. I'm really.... not at all a great friend. I am very selfish with my time, thoughts, actions, in my speech, and just all around. I can't go a whole conversation without adding some random fact about me, or relating myself to someone else's comment or thought or anything they are sharing. I am such a ME ME ME person!!! How does that work in a relationship? Well... not very well. How much do we want to share our lives with another person? How badly do we want someone to know us, to care, to listen and to appreciate who we are, who we were and who we are growing to be? I think the answer is obvious. Here is where things fall... I just drop the ball in this area. I am a Horrible listener. I don't pay attention at all! Its not like I am not interested. Far from it. I guess...when i'm in a mindset of doing something or thinking or just...not wanting to think that is always when someone is most comfortable with me and wants to share. However I just... I'm spaced. I'm not really there. I don't know why.... like something in my brain doesn't work. Its turned off. I feel like I am always being talked to or taught. And there are days I just am mentally turned off. Its not good though. Because the most important person in my life is always with me. We do everything together and when he is open and we are out maybe at the mall or just chillin in the student center he decides to share something with me. Sometimes... if we aren't talking I'm mentally in my own world or listening to music or talking to someone in some form (facebook, text, in person, video chat) But when he finally wants to talk I'm mentally unavailable. What I try to do is finish what I am doing so that he can have full focus. But I have already hurt him and offended him and he closes back up and doesn't feel like sharing. JERK!!! Gosh, I'm a jerk! I think in my head that finishing what I am doing and then giving him my focus is the best thing...but I'm coming to realize its not. He needs that at the moment, not later. I've come to realize that. So... in order to show him that I honestly want to know what he is going to share I need to stop immediately. Sometimes I do hear. I do listen. I understand and I know what he was saying. It just takes me sometime to process. I feel like...a machine...or just slow. Can I can't always give an answer right away...I need to process and think. But...there is never time for that... I guess also its different points of view. Thats something I'm learning in class. We all were raised different, different families, cultures, rules, we each went through different life experiences... and they all affect our way of processing and thinking. I've been selfish in my thinking... I'm gonna work on things. 
  • Learn to Listen
  • Learn to Pay Attention
  • Don't be spacey
  • Give All Focus
  • Don't be Distracted
  • Be Concerned
  • Considerate
  • HUSH! 
  • Just be Quiet!

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