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Sep 21, 2011

One Year!

So its here. My One Year anniversary with Jash. Its been a pretty nice day. Got up..(late) and walked to school. I kind of felt gross cause I didn't get a shower but I thought I had an exam this morning. Nope! Got moved to next week :) Then I saw Jash. We both had on our D-Now shirts from when we started hanging out and when everything pretty much started.  Well I went home and he went to class, I worked out, cleaned and showered. Back up to school for lunch and class. All day I've been craving anything BUT school food! Like Canton (Chinese) or just something. Well I wanted to make today specail I mean...Its our anniversary for crying out loud!! So I did my hair and make up and I am wearing a cute skirt and yeah. :) I tried haha. Well he said I looked very pretty :) We had lunch, then I had class and now we are just kind of sitting. chillin, playing on facebook, reloading my iPod, he is working on a lesson for tomorrow he is teaching. I'm very proud of him. We have church tonight. So we are leaving soon to head to that. Not a very eventful day but its nice. Just kind of doing our normal thing :) Just us. Well Got to go. Thats all I really had sorry.

Sep 20, 2011


OK best part... upside down.. Smarty


I love his face!



So Here are some new photos! Jash and I went to Tally for the weekend. 
Here are the results. We went to The Tallahassee Junior Museum. :) It was fun

Jash, Me, Grandma, Alyssa

Mom said this could be us and our first house. HAHA (NO)

The End :)

Its only Tuesday...

Stressed To A Breaking Point
So... I'm feeling...just... a few posts ago I talked about jealousy... well.. I'm trying really hard. But if I hear about anyone else getting engaged soon.... i'm gonna just.... ugh. I know my time will come and I've accepted that. But I'm a girl who has come to a point in life where I am about to be 22 and I'm over being a teenager and I just want to live my adult life. All my girlfriends from home are married and having birthday parties for their 1 year olds, and working, and just... life is happening. I feel...just... Something has to give!!! I need assurance my life is something. I"m not just stuck at this blasted school with people who are fake and a bunch of professors telling me what my convictions are! I know I know I know.. right now is not the time. Nothing is lined up to go any where and I have to be patient and wait. But I'm still a woman who has emotions. (yes i'm PMSing so they are a little more intense) I am feeling... stuck. I have no car, no job, no place to call my own home, i'm just here. The only thing i feel is real is my relationship with my Lord and my relationship with Jash. I feel like I'm still floating. I feel like I am just another face in the crowd. I just feel tired all the time. Sometimes I just want to wake up and be in my own house with my husband.Some days I just want to have breakfast in bed, or fresh cut flowers sitting in the kitchen. I am tired of having my entire life in the stupid student center. I can't even hug my boyfriend of a year without someone telling me we are too close. Can I just say... I am old enough to have the mind of right and wrong and not to mention I didn't ask you to be my accountability partner. I'm so sick of everyone thinking they have a say. I'm at a breaking point. Everything I do is controlled by someone. I can't express my feelings for someone because of hurting someone else. I can't  post pix for the same reason, i can't sit in the truck because someone thinks I'm doing "something". I'm tired of  not having a place to be private. Not that being in private is a cover for anything. I just... I am breaking. I want to feel something. I feel so... I want to go. I'm tired of this school Everyday, every weekend. I am just wanting there to be something... Dang it.. I'm just... There are no movies here, no nice restaurants, what do you do in this hick butt town for a date?! NOTHING! Just homework, and sitting in the student center playing facebook and every once in awhile we get to watch a movie. But now there aren't even couches so its sitting on a hard wooden chair for hours.... Right now I feel stuck. Its not because I have someone who isn't trying and isn't amazing. He has and does. But with work... no one is hiring and he is waiting to hear back, time has just worn out his truck and he is trying very hard. The problem isn't him its just the time in life. I feel horrible for feeling this way. Its like i'm ungracious but really I am. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me. I'm trying not to complain and be a pain... We've talked about it before I just...some days it hits me a little harder... with our one year tomorrow.... I'm just.... a bag of tears and the back is leaking. :( I don't know how to talk about it because all it does is lead to arguing and making him feel not like a man and putting him down... but... i'm just frustrated and need to vent. And i feel like a horrible girlfriend when i do.... :( I'm sorry
I just.... what a week. Its only Tuesday

Finally This Week Has Come!

So this week is very special to me. Yesterday a year ago, I was sitting on that beautiful and magical gazebo I've written about with the worlds sweetest guy. That night he read me Song of Solomon 1:2 which says "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine". Then he politely held my hand and asked if he could have permission to kiss me. Well... I said YES! So Yesterday a year ago was our first kiss. Tomorrow will be our 1 year anniversary! Its been a year of ups and downs but a year of wonderful happiness. I've never been more happy with a boyfriend than with Jash. He has truly made my life a complete joy. God has placed someone in my life who is a marvelous spiritual leader. Never letting me settle for being less than what I could be. Pushing me to explore and ask questions about my faith. These past couple of weeks I've just been thinking about all the wonderful things that have happened. I can't believe that this week a year ago I answered one of the most life changing questions with a simple yes. I sit here today with the same butterflies, and the same silly girl feelings I had a year ago. Watching him has he reads and listening to him sing. He won me over reading me Poe, Donne and several others. He sang to me on the gazebo and would just sit with me and talk and look into my eyes. He is the only person who has looked at me and can find like 20 things he loves. I only hope that one day I can show him how much I love him. I know I fail and my attempts are merely attempts. I do try to do things but I know they are never enough they are simply a feeble try. Any ways.. I just wanted to write about this week. I've been thinking and waiting for this week for months. Your first real anniversary only comes once. I've only had one other and it was...a train wreck. Horrible... worst date of my life! I'm just happy that this year I am with someone I love. Its gonna be a busy day cause of church but it will be nice just to be with the one I love :) 

Sep 19, 2011

Sexy Jeans and Bridesmaid Dress

Ok!! SO I have a goal! I want to drop a few pant sizes and become a bit smaller. As of Thursday I started working out. I've been doing Jillian Michaels 30 day challenged DVD. OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! Some days I just want to punch her in her face!!! Its a hard work out and it kills me each time. Well Saturdays I won't be doing the DVD cause Ashley, (a friend of mine who I will tell you about soon) is doing this Chick F.l.i.c thing. I think f.l.i.c Stands for Finding Life In Christ. I think.. but we start with 30 minutes of intense weight training/ toning. Its some hard core stuff!! Then we do 45 minutes of cardio/dance. Its like Zumba!! Which by the way I LOVE!!! I don't know where any classes are close by but I have ordered a DVD set and it will be here sometime next month. So have this 30 challenge when I'm WAY done with being yelled at by Jillian then I can dance! I'm excited. I have a wedding coming up October 15th and I'm a bridesmaid. My dress fits...but is a little tighter than the one in the store...and so I am very motivated to lose some weight so I enjoy this wedding. Also, my mom bought these 2 pair of jeans and they are just ... Amazing looking! I think the look sooo good. I think of them as my sexy jeans. My butt would look soooo good if these actually fit. And they are just cute! But... I can't put them on. They don't button.. they are VERY close....but I think 10-15 lbs lost...those jeans will look nice! So there is my motivation. I have another reason... I'm meeting Jash's mom this weekend! I will tell you more about that later. I have a lot to tell...its all coming soon. :)

Sep 4, 2011

Frozen, Perplexed, Difficult, Basically Stuck.

So can you guess what I'm feeling like at the moment? 

I have been...frustrated. With me. I don't know what my issue is. I feel negative and I don't really know why. I feel like i'm stuck in a place of life. I'm ready to start life. I am struggling because I don't know what I am suppose to do with my degree, why I am in college, what God has planned for me in a personal way. Like.. I know I am going to be a pastors wife, and I'm gonna do what I can to glorify Christ, but I just...don't know how. What is my purpose? To be a stay at home mom? Why am I here at this school? Jash is going to be joining the Army soon. From what it looks like he will leave early summer and head to boot-camp and then training... He will be gone all summer and Fall semester. My roommate is graduating in May, along with almost everyone I came to BCF with. What am I gonna do. My spiritual leader, best friend and the one I go to everything will be gone. I know its a ways away but... i've been struggling already with these things. I feel like the sidekick in life. Over the summer there were many churches that couldn't even remember my name... EMILY!!! How hard is that???? Even here people forget. I'm either Jash's girlfriend, or hey you, or Hannah's roommate, or just Her...I feel like....I don't stand out. I don't feel special. I am having a hard time thinking about all kinds of things. There are things that i've been studying and I have come to realize that along with Jash I don't agree with every thing Baptist agree too. Also... I came to a Theological school and people here get offended when someone talks about theology or things outside of class. I just... I dont know. I have come to a place where I've FINALLY gown some and I feel great but...not. Like... I feel more set apart then I already did. I don't...I guess I'm struggling with all kinds of things. From feeling special and treasured, to unique and loved and just like I am wanted I guess. I feel lost. I feel stuck. Stuck in a school I don't feel connected to. Stuck in a place of life where I am just waiting... Waiting for time to speed up. Maybe not for everything to happen at once but I don't know. Just for something. Waiting for life to start in a since. Waiting to have something in this world belong to me. But... should that be something I want? Should I want to be connected to this world? I should feel complete in Christ and not need anything else. So I feel wrong in my wanting. I have no car, no home, no job, no money, I don't own anything...not even the bed I sleep in. I have items yes...but nothing permanent.  I'm 21 and feeling detached.  Everyone around me knows or has an idea of what they are here for or have dreams or wants... they are going towards something. How come all I think about is getting married? I feel so shallow.. like in a since that is the only thing that will give me identity or a place in this world.... Not even just married but engaged... something to look forward to. I know that God has a plan and I'm just VERY impatient!!! I know that for sure! Its not time and I need to wait until everything falls into place. 2-3 years... Seems like forever... but I guess its really not. I just need to stop thinking so much about those silly things and get my head in a better place. School. that should be my focus, after my 2 relationships. I need to make sure I'm FULLY relying on Christ and finding joy and completeness in him. He has given me someone to lead me and to help me and I don't think I appreciate Jash as much as I should. That is something else I need to work on. OH gosh..this is sooo long.. guess I just needed to rant. I've already talked it all out and passed the limit of tears and everything. I guess I just needed one last rant on all of this. It feels nice to just realize as I type that its ok. I'm very happy where I am. I have a great boyfriend who loves me and does cherish me and treasures me. :) I guess... I've just been selfish. Gosh don't you hate when you start off ranting and by the end you realize your just throwing yourself a pitty party. Ok from now on I'm going to be Ms. Positive!! :) Thats right!!! Here it goes