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Sep 4, 2011

Frozen, Perplexed, Difficult, Basically Stuck.

So can you guess what I'm feeling like at the moment? 

I have been...frustrated. With me. I don't know what my issue is. I feel negative and I don't really know why. I feel like i'm stuck in a place of life. I'm ready to start life. I am struggling because I don't know what I am suppose to do with my degree, why I am in college, what God has planned for me in a personal way. Like.. I know I am going to be a pastors wife, and I'm gonna do what I can to glorify Christ, but I just...don't know how. What is my purpose? To be a stay at home mom? Why am I here at this school? Jash is going to be joining the Army soon. From what it looks like he will leave early summer and head to boot-camp and then training... He will be gone all summer and Fall semester. My roommate is graduating in May, along with almost everyone I came to BCF with. What am I gonna do. My spiritual leader, best friend and the one I go to everything will be gone. I know its a ways away but... i've been struggling already with these things. I feel like the sidekick in life. Over the summer there were many churches that couldn't even remember my name... EMILY!!! How hard is that???? Even here people forget. I'm either Jash's girlfriend, or hey you, or Hannah's roommate, or just Her...I feel like....I don't stand out. I don't feel special. I am having a hard time thinking about all kinds of things. There are things that i've been studying and I have come to realize that along with Jash I don't agree with every thing Baptist agree too. Also... I came to a Theological school and people here get offended when someone talks about theology or things outside of class. I just... I dont know. I have come to a place where I've FINALLY gown some and I feel great but...not. Like... I feel more set apart then I already did. I don't...I guess I'm struggling with all kinds of things. From feeling special and treasured, to unique and loved and just like I am wanted I guess. I feel lost. I feel stuck. Stuck in a school I don't feel connected to. Stuck in a place of life where I am just waiting... Waiting for time to speed up. Maybe not for everything to happen at once but I don't know. Just for something. Waiting for life to start in a since. Waiting to have something in this world belong to me. But... should that be something I want? Should I want to be connected to this world? I should feel complete in Christ and not need anything else. So I feel wrong in my wanting. I have no car, no home, no job, no money, I don't own anything...not even the bed I sleep in. I have items yes...but nothing permanent.  I'm 21 and feeling detached.  Everyone around me knows or has an idea of what they are here for or have dreams or wants... they are going towards something. How come all I think about is getting married? I feel so shallow.. like in a since that is the only thing that will give me identity or a place in this world.... Not even just married but engaged... something to look forward to. I know that God has a plan and I'm just VERY impatient!!! I know that for sure! Its not time and I need to wait until everything falls into place. 2-3 years... Seems like forever... but I guess its really not. I just need to stop thinking so much about those silly things and get my head in a better place. School. that should be my focus, after my 2 relationships. I need to make sure I'm FULLY relying on Christ and finding joy and completeness in him. He has given me someone to lead me and to help me and I don't think I appreciate Jash as much as I should. That is something else I need to work on. OH gosh..this is sooo long.. guess I just needed to rant. I've already talked it all out and passed the limit of tears and everything. I guess I just needed one last rant on all of this. It feels nice to just realize as I type that its ok. I'm very happy where I am. I have a great boyfriend who loves me and does cherish me and treasures me. :) I guess... I've just been selfish. Gosh don't you hate when you start off ranting and by the end you realize your just throwing yourself a pitty party. Ok from now on I'm going to be Ms. Positive!! :) Thats right!!! Here it goes 

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