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Sep 20, 2011

Its only Tuesday...

Stressed To A Breaking Point
So... I'm feeling...just... a few posts ago I talked about jealousy... well.. I'm trying really hard. But if I hear about anyone else getting engaged soon.... i'm gonna just.... ugh. I know my time will come and I've accepted that. But I'm a girl who has come to a point in life where I am about to be 22 and I'm over being a teenager and I just want to live my adult life. All my girlfriends from home are married and having birthday parties for their 1 year olds, and working, and just... life is happening. I feel...just... Something has to give!!! I need assurance my life is something. I"m not just stuck at this blasted school with people who are fake and a bunch of professors telling me what my convictions are! I know I know I know.. right now is not the time. Nothing is lined up to go any where and I have to be patient and wait. But I'm still a woman who has emotions. (yes i'm PMSing so they are a little more intense) I am feeling... stuck. I have no car, no job, no place to call my own home, i'm just here. The only thing i feel is real is my relationship with my Lord and my relationship with Jash. I feel like I'm still floating. I feel like I am just another face in the crowd. I just feel tired all the time. Sometimes I just want to wake up and be in my own house with my husband.Some days I just want to have breakfast in bed, or fresh cut flowers sitting in the kitchen. I am tired of having my entire life in the stupid student center. I can't even hug my boyfriend of a year without someone telling me we are too close. Can I just say... I am old enough to have the mind of right and wrong and not to mention I didn't ask you to be my accountability partner. I'm so sick of everyone thinking they have a say. I'm at a breaking point. Everything I do is controlled by someone. I can't express my feelings for someone because of hurting someone else. I can't  post pix for the same reason, i can't sit in the truck because someone thinks I'm doing "something". I'm tired of  not having a place to be private. Not that being in private is a cover for anything. I just... I am breaking. I want to feel something. I feel so... I want to go. I'm tired of this school Everyday, every weekend. I am just wanting there to be something... Dang it.. I'm just... There are no movies here, no nice restaurants, what do you do in this hick butt town for a date?! NOTHING! Just homework, and sitting in the student center playing facebook and every once in awhile we get to watch a movie. But now there aren't even couches so its sitting on a hard wooden chair for hours.... Right now I feel stuck. Its not because I have someone who isn't trying and isn't amazing. He has and does. But with work... no one is hiring and he is waiting to hear back, time has just worn out his truck and he is trying very hard. The problem isn't him its just the time in life. I feel horrible for feeling this way. Its like i'm ungracious but really I am. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me. I'm trying not to complain and be a pain... We've talked about it before I just...some days it hits me a little harder... with our one year tomorrow.... I'm just.... a bag of tears and the back is leaking. :( I don't know how to talk about it because all it does is lead to arguing and making him feel not like a man and putting him down... but... i'm just frustrated and need to vent. And i feel like a horrible girlfriend when i do.... :( I'm sorry
I just.... what a week. Its only Tuesday

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